The Importance Of Emotional Health

A tale perhaps as old as the human race, romantic relationships tend to be where the most dramatic instances of emotional upheaval and instability unfold in my life. While many of my relationships never became overly serious, or ended on amicable terms, those which went sideways at the end really seemed to go downhill quickly. One of the most notable examples, in my mind, occurred during my relationship with the only woman I've yet truly considered marrying.

Kind, intelligent, charming and beautiful with a great sense of humor, she was exciting and intoxicating beyond belief to me. She was also profoundly compromised emotionally, and really, that’s a kind way of describing the ordeal. The daughter of immigrants, she had been in several very negative relationships before meeting me, often physically and sexually violent, and emotionally abusive in nature. Her parents, while eventually becoming aware of certain aspects of this, encouraged her to keep quiet and work through the emotional trauma on her own, before sending her off to a university far from home. This, as one might imagine, was a supremely poor way for her parents to handle things.

At this far away university, she met myself. The seemingly innocent introduction occurred at a frat party hosted by guys we both knew from school. And as it turned out, she was loosely dating one of the guys in the fraternity. I didn’t possess that particular bit of information yet, and so unabashedly went about talking to and flirting with her as we drank and laughed at people more drunk than ourselves. Our conversation went well, and while my memory got a bit hazy, it’s entirely possible we made out a little bit before her kind-of-boyfriend came over to break it up and attempted to fight me. I ended up simply leaving with my friends, but I already had her phone number, and attention.

Fast forward about a month, and she was all mine. I felt like a raging badass: she made me feel masculine, strong, powerful and desired, and she repeatedly stated she felt just the right kind of pursued, feminine and sexy. So initially, our relationship went incredibly well. We were simply having fun, things were easy, and we enjoyed each other’s company. Being around each other was a much needed and appreciated escape for us both. It was relaxed and cathartic, yet things moved far more quickly than either of us expected.

By the time we had been dating for a year, we were making plans to move in together. I was even beginning to look for an engagement ring and plan out a proposal. Yet, just when our relationship seemed to be at its most promising, things began to slowly deteriorate. The emotional realities of her past began to bubble to the surface of her behavior, and rampant, copious alcohol consumption became a regular response.

Initially, I was confused, as I knew nothing of the darker parts of her past. I was under the impression she simply wasn't happy with me, but she still threw herself into our relationship. Anytime I spoke of slowing things down or taking a break, she nearly had a mental breakdown.

This carried on for months, I felt increasingly stuck and suffocated in the role of emotional support, therapist and pseudo-parental figure all rolled into one. I gradually discovered more about what she had been through: how her exes had mistreated her, how her parents reacted, how the whole thing made her feel dirty, used, unloved and worthless. I honestly tried to be there for her, physically and emotionally present. I wanted so much to help her through the pain.

Yet, despite my repeated recommendations, she refused to speak to anyone, aside from myself, about her lingering issues, and turned ever more to drinking in an effort to dull her inner demons. Before long, in drunken states, she was openly discussing committing suicide. Thus far, she hasn't followed through with such plans.

As I implied earlier, the relationship didn't last. It became far more stressful, draining, heavy, and dark than I was willing to remain in. At the end of the day, I couldn't force her to move forward in health, and refused to let myself remain in such a twisted place with her. Yet to a degree, I still feel guilty about leaving.

Our relationship was a grand production of incongruence: I loved her, and supported her, yet felt disconnected from her for the better part of a year. She loved me, I truly believe it, but she didn't seem to know how to really love herself. Her deepening alcoholism and isolation told me I wasn't very valued, yet when she was with me, she was intensely affectionate. This messed with my head to a degree I couldn’t fully appreciate until I was entirely free of the relationship.

As I told her, the best way to be authentic, happy and content in our lives is to be honest, with yourself first and foremost. Accepting and embracing who you are, every aspect of your past, moving forward in self-acceptance, self-love, and determination to not let previous experiences define you is liberating, and crucial to our mental and emotional health. Talking with someone, going to a professional, is incredibly therapeutic. It allows us to work through issues on our own terms, to talk through things we’d likely continue to mentally ignore and push down until they manifest as a larger problems in our lives.

Keeping a journal, venting to a close friend, talking to a pen-pal online, having brutally honest conversations with ourselves or a loved one who’s passed on, there are many complementary ways we can open up and remain emotionally vulnerable in a safe setting. The effects of emotional trauma and pain are real, and deserve the same sort of care and attention our common physical ailments receive. Don’t let what others have done to you, or decisions in your past, haunt and hurt you any more than they already have. We all need to be real with ourselves, and honestly analyze our lives, thoughts and feelings if we truly want to live our best life.

I hated seeing how the fucked up decisions of others, of selfish and abusive men, were causing such problems in my exes’ life. It wasn’t her fault, she can’t change her past, but she can reclaim her emotional health for the best possible version of her future. She wouldn’t do so while I was with her, but I intensely hope she eventually does. Emotional and physical health, happiness, contentment, these things don’t happen accidentally, but they can be attained with determination and honesty. Little by little, person by person, we can each discover what these concepts mean in our lives, and build a better world in the process.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

Can You Even Find Your Soulmate?

Most of us still love the idea of ending up with the one person perfect for us, 'the One' or our soulmate. Whether divinely prepared or just a beautiful cosmic coincidence, we’ve been raised from a young age to look for that one individual who will leave us feeling fulfilled, and stay with us 'until death do we part'.

Reality is, there are many people who could be good for us, and likely no one truly perfect for us. As humans, we’re constantly changing, and will continue to our entire lives. We need to actively be complete, fully functional people, content in ourselves, in order to become truly fulfilled in a relationship which lasts a lifetime.

Be independent and be selective, your time and attention is valuable, so act like it. Invest in those you want to spend time with, and require the same from others. If someone regularly doesn't text you back, or sends you one-word answers with any kind of consistency, don't be afraid to ditch them asap.

Develop your own hobbies, interests, goals, skills, career and life as a whole. Not only is it sexy to meet and date people who are confident and actively living life on their terms, it prevents you from slowing down and overly changing yourself for other people.

A relationship should be a melding together of two people and their lives, but not to the extent of giving up your life completely. Relationships involve sacrifice, but make sure they’re even and don’t require you to give up anything you’re not comfortable leaving behind you. You're part of a team, a unit, and both parties should treat the relationship as such.

Keep friends and family close. No romantic partner can or should be expected to fulfill all of your needs emotionally or socially. It takes a village, and always has. Stay connected, spend time with other loved ones, and if your significant other (SO) has a problem with this, it may well be a sign it’s time for you to 'exit stage left.'

Give the relationship time and go through the seasons, so to speak. Deep relationships are built over time, and involve really getting to know each other. Don’t rush things or exaggerate every problem you have, life is a marathon. At the same time, avoid settling and relying on emotional attachment to make your decision to leave or stay. Comfort in a relationship doesn’t inherently equal happiness and compatibility.

To recap, learn to love yourself first and foremost. Don’t be afraid to leave and avoid rushing into any decision of this importance. Stay independent and selective, and demand respect from others seeking your time. Develop your own life, and only slowly integrate your SO into it. Stay socially connected and have a life outside of your relationship, isolation is risky on several fronts. And, give it time, let things develop slowly and enjoy the ride.

Finally, if and when you find someone you love, go all in. Really go for it, don't be afraid to be passionate about your life together. We all only have one life to live, and we should fill it with as much excitement, happiness, love and fun as possible. The world is more than cold enough to give you plenty of negatives along the way, so give yourself permission to be happy and love your life. Adore the person you choose, wholeheartedly and with reckless abandon when you finally create a deep, meaningful relationship. Carve out for yourselves the sort of soulmate connection you typically only read about or see in the movies.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

When Should You End A Relationship?

I have a friend that until recently was miserable in her relationship. Her boyfriend wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable, only saw her once a week for a few hours, ran up debt on her credit cards without paying them off, and had cheated on her at least once. The relationship had lasted 7 damn years!

To me it was obvious the relationship should be over, and she needed to get out. But, she was so attached and committed to making things work, it took her months to slowly come around to ending the whole thing. She and I had many conversations about healthy relationships and when it's time to pull the plug, even if you still love the person you're with. This post details several of the concepts we discussed.

First off, if there is any kind of abuse, emotional or physical, get out. There is no reason to stay in that state at all. You are worth far more than letting yourself be mistreated.

Next, what in life is important to you? What are top priorities in your life now, and what goals do you have in the future? What sort of lifestyle do you want to live, and where? Do you want kids? Are you career oriented, or is money not as important as the journey and experiences along the way? Are you looking for a power-couple partner or someone to have fun with? Maybe both? Are you religious, and how important is that to you in a partner? What hobbies do you have, and how integral are they to your life? Are you political, and is being with someone similar in thought to you important? Do you get along with each other’s families?

Ask questions, and be open about what you want out of life and relationships. Start to identify traits in significant others that are important to you, and begin actively looking for those.

Do you see ‘red flags’ in the relationship? Do you both have similar goals and values in life? Be brutally honest with yourself every step of the way about what you like about this person, and what you aren’t sure about. It’s not about nitpicking, it’s about learning what’s important to you, the sort of people you get along well with, and making sure you have a compatible partner before committing for, ideally, the rest of your life.

Emotions will fade over time, as the honeymoon phase wears off, so give things time and go through the seasons. Work for the relationship you want with someone willing to put the time and effort into making it work with you as well. Arguing isn’t inherently a problem, it’s how you resolve it that’s the main issue.

Simply becoming comfortable in a relationship isn’t, on its own, a good reason to stay either. After putting in the time to get to know someone, be willing to walk away if you don’t see yourself marrying them. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you’ll figure it out every time. Communication and general honesty is key.

On the flip side, if you find yourself really falling for someone, and they for you, don't be afraid to do everything you possibly can to work it out. Love and relationships are just as much about effort and being willing to compromise and resolve conflict as they are about compatibility. Don't give up on those you love, but don't stay if it isn't what you want. Often, only in time will you discover where you truly stand.

To recap, never accept abuse of any kind. Find out what traits, goals and values are important to you, and date people that match those. Talk and ask questions, really get to know the other person and avoid just getting wrapped up in the emotion of it all. Be picky and don’t settle, you’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. Go through the seasons, don’t be alarmed by calming emotions as time goes on, and do your best to truly resolve conflict and move forward. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you are well on your way to having a healthy, stable relationship with the love of your life.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

How To Work Out Any Problem In Relationships

So we all have that friend that is constant drama. We at the very least know of such people, even if we avoid them. They always seem to be in one argument or another with their boy or girlfriend, and generally bring drama everywhere they go. Hell, you might even be that person in your group of friends.

I’ve had several friends like this over the years, and one of my best friends since childhood, alongside her list of boyfriends, has been ruining parties and game nights and bar hopping evenings for everyone around more times than I care to count. Today, I want to talk about how you can avoid these people, prevent or stop yourself from being that person, and escape the types of relationships that consistently go down in flames.

There's no doubt it takes ‘two to tango' in a relationship, you can be incredibly calm and mature and still have a terrible go of it all. Knowing when to leave can be key, but for now we'll focus on more steady relationships. Presuming things with your significant other are fairly normal, refrain from using absolutes. 'Always' and 'never' are dangerous, and leave your partner feeling unappreciated. Instead, say things like “you rarely do this” or “you often forget to do this,” and offer a solution afterwards instead of blanket blame.

Avoid personal insulting and venting, it inhibits solutions to your problems from being introduced and earnestly discussed. Instead, present the problem at hand as plainly as possible and explain why you need things to change and how much it frustrates you. Be honest with your partner about your frustration while also acknowledging what they do right or correctly, what you love about them or how much better things have gotten.

Don’t drop the issue to avoid confrontation, and don’t steamroll your partner to end the argument on your terms. Listen to your partner’s perspective, and do your best to compromise and reach a resolution, yet be unapologetic about your own views and feelings. This involves a give-and-take strategy, and when both parties are on the same page, can and will produce beautiful results.

Additionally, don’t simply state what angers you or what you want changed before walking away like everything is fine. Sarcastically saying something akin to, "It's fine, do whatever you want," in a clearly upset manner helps nothing, and results in a greater break in communication that will only be amended upon openly talking about the issue calmly. There are times simply acknowledging a problem exists will be therapeutic, then letting things calm down before discussing a good idea, but don't let that time become a long-term event which results in kicking the proverbial can down the road.

Have boundaries each party must respect. These can be as obvious as not hitting each other, to avoiding talking about each other’s family members except when necessary. Make it work for your relationship, and stick with them. Openly discuss emotional triggers, phrases or actions which really get under your skin, when you argue so the two of you can avoid falling into the same explosive arguments time and again. It really cannot be said enough: communication is key.

To recap, avoid absolutes, insulting and venting. Be honest and fair to your partner’s positive traits, yet don’t drop the issue to avoid it nor steamroll as a petty attempt to win. Avoid simply saying what angers you before dropping it and declaring yourself fine, instead wait for a response and explain yourself as fully as you need to. And finally, set up reasonable boundaries both of you are clear about. Don’t be afraid to adjust any of these elements as time goes on, and don’t beat yourself or your partner up for not being perfect in conflict resolution.

Put these concepts into effect, and watch your relationships reach a whole new level of fulfillment. Best of luck!

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

How You Can Feel More Manly In Today's World

Welcome back. I'd like to start this off with a story. So, I have a friend whom I was meeting for lunch the other day. When I got to his place, his wife answered the door and told me my buddy was in the back room. As I approach, I walk in on him having a tea party with his four year old daughter, pinky extended with a comically undersized English hat and all. It was hilarious, with his tattooed arms and thick beard, but his reaction was the best part: he was calm, just looked at me with a big smile and said, “Ready to go?”

That was it! The guy was doing one of the least stereotypically masculine things one can imagine, yet I left there with the distinct impression this guy is a raging badass. And that, my friends, is the key to masculinity. Confidence, calm, collected, don’t-give-a-damn confidence.

Focus on what’s important to you, whether it be honing your strengths, improving your weaknesses, or a combo of both. Don’t be afraid to be a nerd or a gym-rat, and if you lean more one way than another, don’t be afraid to try something new.

Becoming a well-rounded person inherently improves your confidence, and with it, you will build a virtuous cycle of you accomplishing more, feeling more confident, and so on. Manliness comes from action, from doing that which defines you as a man.

Whether that be curling dumbbells or writing code, running a marathon or drawing superheroes, do it, work at it, set goals for yourself, and slowly get one accomplishment after another under your belt.

And crucially, being and feeling like a man means giving yourself permission to not overly care about what others think of you. We’re all going to be aware and conscious of how other’s respond to us, but don’t let it define you. You define your masculinity.

I’m a cop, have tattoos, work out regularly, have a loaded gun on or near me pretty much all the time, and tend to be considered a pretty masculine guy. Yet, I unapologetically love Disney movies, legitimately enjoy long walks on the beach, and will usually choose sweet and fruity alcoholic drinks if able. I am one of the nerdiest cops you will ever meet, and when my ex girlfriend finally got me to watch The Notebook with her, I teared up at the end. “I think our love can do anything we want it to.” It hits you in the feels!

And the best part is, I still feel manly as hell! Because the essence of masculinity is pursuing a life of passion, of loving deeply and chasing long-shot goals, staying light-hearted and never letting life stop you. Being a man is having cuddle-on-the-couch movie nights with your girl just as much as a night out with the guys. It’s taking time to invest in yourself, having friends and family you’d do anything for. Being a man is having an amazing, hat-wearing tea party with your four year old daughter. And, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

Love Isn’t An Emotion, So What Is It?

What’s up guys! Today I want to talk about romantic relationships, and the multiple stages of and experiences in what we collectively call ‘being in love.’ We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘love at first sight’ and have decided whether we agree or disagree with the concept long ago. But, what if I were to tell you that it isn't inherently either wrong or right, but simply a matter of how you define love?

Stick with me. So, an emotion is a reaction to stimuli: anger to things you dislike, sadness to an emotional hurt, happiness to things going your way, fear at something you can’t control. In short, emotions are a hardwired response to our environment, and have been critical to our day-to-day survival.

In contrast, an instinctual drive is more complex. Still hardwired, but more constant and persistent than changing emotions, our drives push us towards our goals or needs. Hunger towards food, thirst towards water, a strong desire for belonging and acceptance towards people, and even our will to survive is a drive pushing us away from danger. Love falls into this category.

We have a deep-seated need to give love and feel loved, and the lack thereof produces a number of negative side-effects. That isn’t an emotion. The first stages of being ‘in love’ give us euphoria, the sensation we associate with love (and being drunk/high). We chase that high, but it won’t and can’t last. Yet, we still need to love and be loved in return.

Think back to your past relationships, or even your interactions with family and close friends. If you’re like most people, you love your parents and/or siblings even when you’re angry as hell with them. You love them when they annoy you, when they hurt you, or do any number of things that make you unhappy. That’s because love is more than an emotion, it is a drive, a choice, a necessary part of our lives.

Just like sex, love is a drive that doesn’t seem immediately necessary for our survival, but it is. We are social creatures, and not particularly strong or capable on our own. But in groups, we have spread across the planet, and our drive to form close social bonds and have children are some of the key reasons why.

So, the next time you hear about a couple falling ‘in love at first sight,’ or find yourself feeling the same, know it’s a primal part of yourself driving you towards another. Even when it develops slowly, love is the deepest reaches of your being longing to open up to another, to share your life and hopes and have as a companion until old age does us in. Love is our need for intimacy and affection, feeling connected, valued and understood. Love at first sight isn’t an emotion as much as a longing all of us share, and as terrifying as our fear of failure is, love is worth risk.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.