When Should You End A Relationship?

I have a friend that until recently was miserable in her relationship. Her boyfriend wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable, only saw her once a week for a few hours, ran up debt on her credit cards without paying them off, and had cheated on her at least once. The relationship had lasted 7 damn years!

To me it was obvious the relationship should be over, and she needed to get out. But, she was so attached and committed to making things work, it took her months to slowly come around to ending the whole thing. She and I had many conversations about healthy relationships and when it's time to pull the plug, even if you still love the person you're with. This post details several of the concepts we discussed.

First off, if there is any kind of abuse, emotional or physical, get out. There is no reason to stay in that state at all. You are worth far more than letting yourself be mistreated.

Next, what in life is important to you? What are top priorities in your life now, and what goals do you have in the future? What sort of lifestyle do you want to live, and where? Do you want kids? Are you career oriented, or is money not as important as the journey and experiences along the way? Are you looking for a power-couple partner or someone to have fun with? Maybe both? Are you religious, and how important is that to you in a partner? What hobbies do you have, and how integral are they to your life? Are you political, and is being with someone similar in thought to you important? Do you get along with each other’s families?

Ask questions, and be open about what you want out of life and relationships. Start to identify traits in significant others that are important to you, and begin actively looking for those.

Do you see ‘red flags’ in the relationship? Do you both have similar goals and values in life? Be brutally honest with yourself every step of the way about what you like about this person, and what you aren’t sure about. It’s not about nitpicking, it’s about learning what’s important to you, the sort of people you get along well with, and making sure you have a compatible partner before committing for, ideally, the rest of your life.

Emotions will fade over time, as the honeymoon phase wears off, so give things time and go through the seasons. Work for the relationship you want with someone willing to put the time and effort into making it work with you as well. Arguing isn’t inherently a problem, it’s how you resolve it that’s the main issue.

Simply becoming comfortable in a relationship isn’t, on its own, a good reason to stay either. After putting in the time to get to know someone, be willing to walk away if you don’t see yourself marrying them. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you’ll figure it out every time. Communication and general honesty is key.

On the flip side, if you find yourself really falling for someone, and they for you, don't be afraid to do everything you possibly can to work it out. Love and relationships are just as much about effort and being willing to compromise and resolve conflict as they are about compatibility. Don't give up on those you love, but don't stay if it isn't what you want. Often, only in time will you discover where you truly stand.

To recap, never accept abuse of any kind. Find out what traits, goals and values are important to you, and date people that match those. Talk and ask questions, really get to know the other person and avoid just getting wrapped up in the emotion of it all. Be picky and don’t settle, you’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. Go through the seasons, don’t be alarmed by calming emotions as time goes on, and do your best to truly resolve conflict and move forward. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you are well on your way to having a healthy, stable relationship with the love of your life.

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