Can You Even Find Your Soulmate?

Most of us still love the idea of ending up with the one person perfect for us, 'the One' or our soulmate. Whether divinely prepared or just a beautiful cosmic coincidence, we’ve been raised from a young age to look for that one individual who will leave us feeling fulfilled, and stay with us 'until death do we part'.

Reality is, there are many people who could be good for us, and likely no one truly perfect for us. As humans, we’re constantly changing, and will continue to our entire lives. We need to actively be complete, fully functional people, content in ourselves, in order to become truly fulfilled in a relationship which lasts a lifetime.

Be independent and be selective, your time and attention is valuable, so act like it. Invest in those you want to spend time with, and require the same from others. If someone regularly doesn't text you back, or sends you one-word answers with any kind of consistency, don't be afraid to ditch them asap.

Develop your own hobbies, interests, goals, skills, career and life as a whole. Not only is it sexy to meet and date people who are confident and actively living life on their terms, it prevents you from slowing down and overly changing yourself for other people.

A relationship should be a melding together of two people and their lives, but not to the extent of giving up your life completely. Relationships involve sacrifice, but make sure they’re even and don’t require you to give up anything you’re not comfortable leaving behind you. You're part of a team, a unit, and both parties should treat the relationship as such.

Keep friends and family close. No romantic partner can or should be expected to fulfill all of your needs emotionally or socially. It takes a village, and always has. Stay connected, spend time with other loved ones, and if your significant other (SO) has a problem with this, it may well be a sign it’s time for you to 'exit stage left.'

Give the relationship time and go through the seasons, so to speak. Deep relationships are built over time, and involve really getting to know each other. Don’t rush things or exaggerate every problem you have, life is a marathon. At the same time, avoid settling and relying on emotional attachment to make your decision to leave or stay. Comfort in a relationship doesn’t inherently equal happiness and compatibility.

To recap, learn to love yourself first and foremost. Don’t be afraid to leave and avoid rushing into any decision of this importance. Stay independent and selective, and demand respect from others seeking your time. Develop your own life, and only slowly integrate your SO into it. Stay socially connected and have a life outside of your relationship, isolation is risky on several fronts. And, give it time, let things develop slowly and enjoy the ride.

Finally, if and when you find someone you love, go all in. Really go for it, don't be afraid to be passionate about your life together. We all only have one life to live, and we should fill it with as much excitement, happiness, love and fun as possible. The world is more than cold enough to give you plenty of negatives along the way, so give yourself permission to be happy and love your life. Adore the person you choose, wholeheartedly and with reckless abandon when you finally create a deep, meaningful relationship. Carve out for yourselves the sort of soulmate connection you typically only read about or see in the movies.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

When Should You End A Relationship?

I have a friend that until recently was miserable in her relationship. Her boyfriend wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable, only saw her once a week for a few hours, ran up debt on her credit cards without paying them off, and had cheated on her at least once. The relationship had lasted 7 damn years!

To me it was obvious the relationship should be over, and she needed to get out. But, she was so attached and committed to making things work, it took her months to slowly come around to ending the whole thing. She and I had many conversations about healthy relationships and when it's time to pull the plug, even if you still love the person you're with. This post details several of the concepts we discussed.

First off, if there is any kind of abuse, emotional or physical, get out. There is no reason to stay in that state at all. You are worth far more than letting yourself be mistreated.

Next, what in life is important to you? What are top priorities in your life now, and what goals do you have in the future? What sort of lifestyle do you want to live, and where? Do you want kids? Are you career oriented, or is money not as important as the journey and experiences along the way? Are you looking for a power-couple partner or someone to have fun with? Maybe both? Are you religious, and how important is that to you in a partner? What hobbies do you have, and how integral are they to your life? Are you political, and is being with someone similar in thought to you important? Do you get along with each other’s families?

Ask questions, and be open about what you want out of life and relationships. Start to identify traits in significant others that are important to you, and begin actively looking for those.

Do you see ‘red flags’ in the relationship? Do you both have similar goals and values in life? Be brutally honest with yourself every step of the way about what you like about this person, and what you aren’t sure about. It’s not about nitpicking, it’s about learning what’s important to you, the sort of people you get along well with, and making sure you have a compatible partner before committing for, ideally, the rest of your life.

Emotions will fade over time, as the honeymoon phase wears off, so give things time and go through the seasons. Work for the relationship you want with someone willing to put the time and effort into making it work with you as well. Arguing isn’t inherently a problem, it’s how you resolve it that’s the main issue.

Simply becoming comfortable in a relationship isn’t, on its own, a good reason to stay either. After putting in the time to get to know someone, be willing to walk away if you don’t see yourself marrying them. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you’ll figure it out every time. Communication and general honesty is key.

On the flip side, if you find yourself really falling for someone, and they for you, don't be afraid to do everything you possibly can to work it out. Love and relationships are just as much about effort and being willing to compromise and resolve conflict as they are about compatibility. Don't give up on those you love, but don't stay if it isn't what you want. Often, only in time will you discover where you truly stand.

To recap, never accept abuse of any kind. Find out what traits, goals and values are important to you, and date people that match those. Talk and ask questions, really get to know the other person and avoid just getting wrapped up in the emotion of it all. Be picky and don’t settle, you’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. Go through the seasons, don’t be alarmed by calming emotions as time goes on, and do your best to truly resolve conflict and move forward. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you are well on your way to having a healthy, stable relationship with the love of your life.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

Love Isn’t An Emotion, So What Is It?

What’s up guys! Today I want to talk about romantic relationships, and the multiple stages of and experiences in what we collectively call ‘being in love.’ We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘love at first sight’ and have decided whether we agree or disagree with the concept long ago. But, what if I were to tell you that it isn't inherently either wrong or right, but simply a matter of how you define love?

Stick with me. So, an emotion is a reaction to stimuli: anger to things you dislike, sadness to an emotional hurt, happiness to things going your way, fear at something you can’t control. In short, emotions are a hardwired response to our environment, and have been critical to our day-to-day survival.

In contrast, an instinctual drive is more complex. Still hardwired, but more constant and persistent than changing emotions, our drives push us towards our goals or needs. Hunger towards food, thirst towards water, a strong desire for belonging and acceptance towards people, and even our will to survive is a drive pushing us away from danger. Love falls into this category.

We have a deep-seated need to give love and feel loved, and the lack thereof produces a number of negative side-effects. That isn’t an emotion. The first stages of being ‘in love’ give us euphoria, the sensation we associate with love (and being drunk/high). We chase that high, but it won’t and can’t last. Yet, we still need to love and be loved in return.

Think back to your past relationships, or even your interactions with family and close friends. If you’re like most people, you love your parents and/or siblings even when you’re angry as hell with them. You love them when they annoy you, when they hurt you, or do any number of things that make you unhappy. That’s because love is more than an emotion, it is a drive, a choice, a necessary part of our lives.

Just like sex, love is a drive that doesn’t seem immediately necessary for our survival, but it is. We are social creatures, and not particularly strong or capable on our own. But in groups, we have spread across the planet, and our drive to form close social bonds and have children are some of the key reasons why.

So, the next time you hear about a couple falling ‘in love at first sight,’ or find yourself feeling the same, know it’s a primal part of yourself driving you towards another. Even when it develops slowly, love is the deepest reaches of your being longing to open up to another, to share your life and hopes and have as a companion until old age does us in. Love is our need for intimacy and affection, feeling connected, valued and understood. Love at first sight isn’t an emotion as much as a longing all of us share, and as terrifying as our fear of failure is, love is worth risk.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.