The Importance Of Emotional Health

A tale perhaps as old as the human race, romantic relationships tend to be where the most dramatic instances of emotional upheaval and instability unfold in my life. While many of my relationships never became overly serious, or ended on amicable terms, those which went sideways at the end really seemed to go downhill quickly. One of the most notable examples, in my mind, occurred during my relationship with the only woman I've yet truly considered marrying.

Kind, intelligent, charming and beautiful with a great sense of humor, she was exciting and intoxicating beyond belief to me. She was also profoundly compromised emotionally, and really, that’s a kind way of describing the ordeal. The daughter of immigrants, she had been in several very negative relationships before meeting me, often physically and sexually violent, and emotionally abusive in nature. Her parents, while eventually becoming aware of certain aspects of this, encouraged her to keep quiet and work through the emotional trauma on her own, before sending her off to a university far from home. This, as one might imagine, was a supremely poor way for her parents to handle things.

At this far away university, she met myself. The seemingly innocent introduction occurred at a frat party hosted by guys we both knew from school. And as it turned out, she was loosely dating one of the guys in the fraternity. I didn’t possess that particular bit of information yet, and so unabashedly went about talking to and flirting with her as we drank and laughed at people more drunk than ourselves. Our conversation went well, and while my memory got a bit hazy, it’s entirely possible we made out a little bit before her kind-of-boyfriend came over to break it up and attempted to fight me. I ended up simply leaving with my friends, but I already had her phone number, and attention.

Fast forward about a month, and she was all mine. I felt like a raging badass: she made me feel masculine, strong, powerful and desired, and she repeatedly stated she felt just the right kind of pursued, feminine and sexy. So initially, our relationship went incredibly well. We were simply having fun, things were easy, and we enjoyed each other’s company. Being around each other was a much needed and appreciated escape for us both. It was relaxed and cathartic, yet things moved far more quickly than either of us expected.

By the time we had been dating for a year, we were making plans to move in together. I was even beginning to look for an engagement ring and plan out a proposal. Yet, just when our relationship seemed to be at its most promising, things began to slowly deteriorate. The emotional realities of her past began to bubble to the surface of her behavior, and rampant, copious alcohol consumption became a regular response.

Initially, I was confused, as I knew nothing of the darker parts of her past. I was under the impression she simply wasn't happy with me, but she still threw herself into our relationship. Anytime I spoke of slowing things down or taking a break, she nearly had a mental breakdown.

This carried on for months, I felt increasingly stuck and suffocated in the role of emotional support, therapist and pseudo-parental figure all rolled into one. I gradually discovered more about what she had been through: how her exes had mistreated her, how her parents reacted, how the whole thing made her feel dirty, used, unloved and worthless. I honestly tried to be there for her, physically and emotionally present. I wanted so much to help her through the pain.

Yet, despite my repeated recommendations, she refused to speak to anyone, aside from myself, about her lingering issues, and turned ever more to drinking in an effort to dull her inner demons. Before long, in drunken states, she was openly discussing committing suicide. Thus far, she hasn't followed through with such plans.

As I implied earlier, the relationship didn't last. It became far more stressful, draining, heavy, and dark than I was willing to remain in. At the end of the day, I couldn't force her to move forward in health, and refused to let myself remain in such a twisted place with her. Yet to a degree, I still feel guilty about leaving.

Our relationship was a grand production of incongruence: I loved her, and supported her, yet felt disconnected from her for the better part of a year. She loved me, I truly believe it, but she didn't seem to know how to really love herself. Her deepening alcoholism and isolation told me I wasn't very valued, yet when she was with me, she was intensely affectionate. This messed with my head to a degree I couldn’t fully appreciate until I was entirely free of the relationship.

As I told her, the best way to be authentic, happy and content in our lives is to be honest, with yourself first and foremost. Accepting and embracing who you are, every aspect of your past, moving forward in self-acceptance, self-love, and determination to not let previous experiences define you is liberating, and crucial to our mental and emotional health. Talking with someone, going to a professional, is incredibly therapeutic. It allows us to work through issues on our own terms, to talk through things we’d likely continue to mentally ignore and push down until they manifest as a larger problems in our lives.

Keeping a journal, venting to a close friend, talking to a pen-pal online, having brutally honest conversations with ourselves or a loved one who’s passed on, there are many complementary ways we can open up and remain emotionally vulnerable in a safe setting. The effects of emotional trauma and pain are real, and deserve the same sort of care and attention our common physical ailments receive. Don’t let what others have done to you, or decisions in your past, haunt and hurt you any more than they already have. We all need to be real with ourselves, and honestly analyze our lives, thoughts and feelings if we truly want to live our best life.

I hated seeing how the fucked up decisions of others, of selfish and abusive men, were causing such problems in my exes’ life. It wasn’t her fault, she can’t change her past, but she can reclaim her emotional health for the best possible version of her future. She wouldn’t do so while I was with her, but I intensely hope she eventually does. Emotional and physical health, happiness, contentment, these things don’t happen accidentally, but they can be attained with determination and honesty. Little by little, person by person, we can each discover what these concepts mean in our lives, and build a better world in the process.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

Can You Even Find Your Soulmate?

Most of us still love the idea of ending up with the one person perfect for us, 'the One' or our soulmate. Whether divinely prepared or just a beautiful cosmic coincidence, we’ve been raised from a young age to look for that one individual who will leave us feeling fulfilled, and stay with us 'until death do we part'.

Reality is, there are many people who could be good for us, and likely no one truly perfect for us. As humans, we’re constantly changing, and will continue to our entire lives. We need to actively be complete, fully functional people, content in ourselves, in order to become truly fulfilled in a relationship which lasts a lifetime.

Be independent and be selective, your time and attention is valuable, so act like it. Invest in those you want to spend time with, and require the same from others. If someone regularly doesn't text you back, or sends you one-word answers with any kind of consistency, don't be afraid to ditch them asap.

Develop your own hobbies, interests, goals, skills, career and life as a whole. Not only is it sexy to meet and date people who are confident and actively living life on their terms, it prevents you from slowing down and overly changing yourself for other people.

A relationship should be a melding together of two people and their lives, but not to the extent of giving up your life completely. Relationships involve sacrifice, but make sure they’re even and don’t require you to give up anything you’re not comfortable leaving behind you. You're part of a team, a unit, and both parties should treat the relationship as such.

Keep friends and family close. No romantic partner can or should be expected to fulfill all of your needs emotionally or socially. It takes a village, and always has. Stay connected, spend time with other loved ones, and if your significant other (SO) has a problem with this, it may well be a sign it’s time for you to 'exit stage left.'

Give the relationship time and go through the seasons, so to speak. Deep relationships are built over time, and involve really getting to know each other. Don’t rush things or exaggerate every problem you have, life is a marathon. At the same time, avoid settling and relying on emotional attachment to make your decision to leave or stay. Comfort in a relationship doesn’t inherently equal happiness and compatibility.

To recap, learn to love yourself first and foremost. Don’t be afraid to leave and avoid rushing into any decision of this importance. Stay independent and selective, and demand respect from others seeking your time. Develop your own life, and only slowly integrate your SO into it. Stay socially connected and have a life outside of your relationship, isolation is risky on several fronts. And, give it time, let things develop slowly and enjoy the ride.

Finally, if and when you find someone you love, go all in. Really go for it, don't be afraid to be passionate about your life together. We all only have one life to live, and we should fill it with as much excitement, happiness, love and fun as possible. The world is more than cold enough to give you plenty of negatives along the way, so give yourself permission to be happy and love your life. Adore the person you choose, wholeheartedly and with reckless abandon when you finally create a deep, meaningful relationship. Carve out for yourselves the sort of soulmate connection you typically only read about or see in the movies.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.

When Should You End A Relationship?

I have a friend that until recently was miserable in her relationship. Her boyfriend wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable, only saw her once a week for a few hours, ran up debt on her credit cards without paying them off, and had cheated on her at least once. The relationship had lasted 7 damn years!

To me it was obvious the relationship should be over, and she needed to get out. But, she was so attached and committed to making things work, it took her months to slowly come around to ending the whole thing. She and I had many conversations about healthy relationships and when it's time to pull the plug, even if you still love the person you're with. This post details several of the concepts we discussed.

First off, if there is any kind of abuse, emotional or physical, get out. There is no reason to stay in that state at all. You are worth far more than letting yourself be mistreated.

Next, what in life is important to you? What are top priorities in your life now, and what goals do you have in the future? What sort of lifestyle do you want to live, and where? Do you want kids? Are you career oriented, or is money not as important as the journey and experiences along the way? Are you looking for a power-couple partner or someone to have fun with? Maybe both? Are you religious, and how important is that to you in a partner? What hobbies do you have, and how integral are they to your life? Are you political, and is being with someone similar in thought to you important? Do you get along with each other’s families?

Ask questions, and be open about what you want out of life and relationships. Start to identify traits in significant others that are important to you, and begin actively looking for those.

Do you see ‘red flags’ in the relationship? Do you both have similar goals and values in life? Be brutally honest with yourself every step of the way about what you like about this person, and what you aren’t sure about. It’s not about nitpicking, it’s about learning what’s important to you, the sort of people you get along well with, and making sure you have a compatible partner before committing for, ideally, the rest of your life.

Emotions will fade over time, as the honeymoon phase wears off, so give things time and go through the seasons. Work for the relationship you want with someone willing to put the time and effort into making it work with you as well. Arguing isn’t inherently a problem, it’s how you resolve it that’s the main issue.

Simply becoming comfortable in a relationship isn’t, on its own, a good reason to stay either. After putting in the time to get to know someone, be willing to walk away if you don’t see yourself marrying them. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you’ll figure it out every time. Communication and general honesty is key.

On the flip side, if you find yourself really falling for someone, and they for you, don't be afraid to do everything you possibly can to work it out. Love and relationships are just as much about effort and being willing to compromise and resolve conflict as they are about compatibility. Don't give up on those you love, but don't stay if it isn't what you want. Often, only in time will you discover where you truly stand.

To recap, never accept abuse of any kind. Find out what traits, goals and values are important to you, and date people that match those. Talk and ask questions, really get to know the other person and avoid just getting wrapped up in the emotion of it all. Be picky and don’t settle, you’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. Go through the seasons, don’t be alarmed by calming emotions as time goes on, and do your best to truly resolve conflict and move forward. Be honest with yourself and your partner every step of the way, and you are well on your way to having a healthy, stable relationship with the love of your life.

Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...

YouTube channel here.