Kind, intelligent, charming and beautiful with a great sense of humor, she was exciting and intoxicating beyond belief to me. She was also profoundly compromised emotionally, and really, that’s a kind way of describing the ordeal. The daughter of immigrants, she had been in several very negative relationships before meeting me, often physically and sexually violent, and emotionally abusive in nature. Her parents, while eventually becoming aware of certain aspects of this, encouraged her to keep quiet and work through the emotional trauma on her own, before sending her off to a university far from home. This, as one might imagine, was a supremely poor way for her parents to handle things.
At this far away university, she met myself. The seemingly innocent introduction occurred at a frat party hosted by guys we both knew from school. And as it turned out, she was loosely dating one of the guys in the fraternity. I didn’t possess that particular bit of information yet, and so unabashedly went about talking to and flirting with her as we drank and laughed at people more drunk than ourselves. Our conversation went well, and while my memory got a bit hazy, it’s entirely possible we made out a little bit before her kind-of-boyfriend came over to break it up and attempted to fight me. I ended up simply leaving with my friends, but I already had her phone number, and attention.
Fast forward about a month, and she was all mine. I felt like a raging badass: she made me feel masculine, strong, powerful and desired, and she repeatedly stated she felt just the right kind of pursued, feminine and sexy. So initially, our relationship went incredibly well. We were simply having fun, things were easy, and we enjoyed each other’s company. Being around each other was a much needed and appreciated escape for us both. It was relaxed and cathartic, yet things moved far more quickly than either of us expected.
By the time we had been dating for a year, we were making plans to move in together. I was even beginning to look for an engagement ring and plan out a proposal. Yet, just when our relationship seemed to be at its most promising, things began to slowly deteriorate. The emotional realities of her past began to bubble to the surface of her behavior, and rampant, copious alcohol consumption became a regular response.
Initially, I was confused, as I knew nothing of the darker parts of her past. I was under the impression she simply wasn't happy with me, but she still threw herself into our relationship. Anytime I spoke of slowing things down or taking a break, she nearly had a mental breakdown.
This carried on for months, I felt increasingly stuck and suffocated in the role of emotional support, therapist and pseudo-parental figure all rolled into one. I gradually discovered more about what she had been through: how her exes had mistreated her, how her parents reacted, how the whole thing made her feel dirty, used, unloved and worthless. I honestly tried to be there for her, physically and emotionally present. I wanted so much to help her through the pain.
This carried on for months, I felt increasingly stuck and suffocated in the role of emotional support, therapist and pseudo-parental figure all rolled into one. I gradually discovered more about what she had been through: how her exes had mistreated her, how her parents reacted, how the whole thing made her feel dirty, used, unloved and worthless. I honestly tried to be there for her, physically and emotionally present. I wanted so much to help her through the pain.
Yet, despite my repeated recommendations, she refused to speak to anyone, aside from myself, about her lingering issues, and turned ever more to drinking in an effort to dull her inner demons. Before long, in drunken states, she was openly discussing committing suicide. Thus far, she hasn't followed through with such plans.
As I implied earlier, the relationship didn't last. It became far more stressful, draining, heavy, and dark than I was willing to remain in. At the end of the day, I couldn't force her to move forward in health, and refused to let myself remain in such a twisted place with her. Yet to a degree, I still feel guilty about leaving.
Our relationship was a grand production of incongruence: I loved her, and supported her, yet felt disconnected from her for the better part of a year. She loved me, I truly believe it, but she didn't seem to know how to really love herself. Her deepening alcoholism and isolation told me I wasn't very valued, yet when she was with me, she was intensely affectionate. This messed with my head to a degree I couldn’t fully appreciate until I was entirely free of the relationship.
As I told her, the best way to be authentic, happy and content in our lives is to be honest, with yourself first and foremost. Accepting and embracing who you are, every aspect of your past, moving forward in self-acceptance, self-love, and determination to not let previous experiences define you is liberating, and crucial to our mental and emotional health. Talking with someone, going to a professional, is incredibly therapeutic. It allows us to work through issues on our own terms, to talk through things we’d likely continue to mentally ignore and push down until they manifest as a larger problems in our lives.
Keeping a journal, venting to a close friend, talking to a pen-pal online, having brutally honest conversations with ourselves or a loved one who’s passed on, there are many complementary ways we can open up and remain emotionally vulnerable in a safe setting. The effects of emotional trauma and pain are real, and deserve the same sort of care and attention our common physical ailments receive. Don’t let what others have done to you, or decisions in your past, haunt and hurt you any more than they already have. We all need to be real with ourselves, and honestly analyze our lives, thoughts and feelings if we truly want to live our best life.
I hated seeing how the fucked up decisions of others, of selfish and abusive men, were causing such problems in my exes’ life. It wasn’t her fault, she can’t change her past, but she can reclaim her emotional health for the best possible version of her future. She wouldn’t do so while I was with her, but I intensely hope she eventually does. Emotional and physical health, happiness, contentment, these things don’t happen accidentally, but they can be attained with determination and honesty. Little by little, person by person, we can each discover what these concepts mean in our lives, and build a better world in the process.
As I implied earlier, the relationship didn't last. It became far more stressful, draining, heavy, and dark than I was willing to remain in. At the end of the day, I couldn't force her to move forward in health, and refused to let myself remain in such a twisted place with her. Yet to a degree, I still feel guilty about leaving.
Our relationship was a grand production of incongruence: I loved her, and supported her, yet felt disconnected from her for the better part of a year. She loved me, I truly believe it, but she didn't seem to know how to really love herself. Her deepening alcoholism and isolation told me I wasn't very valued, yet when she was with me, she was intensely affectionate. This messed with my head to a degree I couldn’t fully appreciate until I was entirely free of the relationship.
As I told her, the best way to be authentic, happy and content in our lives is to be honest, with yourself first and foremost. Accepting and embracing who you are, every aspect of your past, moving forward in self-acceptance, self-love, and determination to not let previous experiences define you is liberating, and crucial to our mental and emotional health. Talking with someone, going to a professional, is incredibly therapeutic. It allows us to work through issues on our own terms, to talk through things we’d likely continue to mentally ignore and push down until they manifest as a larger problems in our lives.
Keeping a journal, venting to a close friend, talking to a pen-pal online, having brutally honest conversations with ourselves or a loved one who’s passed on, there are many complementary ways we can open up and remain emotionally vulnerable in a safe setting. The effects of emotional trauma and pain are real, and deserve the same sort of care and attention our common physical ailments receive. Don’t let what others have done to you, or decisions in your past, haunt and hurt you any more than they already have. We all need to be real with ourselves, and honestly analyze our lives, thoughts and feelings if we truly want to live our best life.
I hated seeing how the fucked up decisions of others, of selfish and abusive men, were causing such problems in my exes’ life. It wasn’t her fault, she can’t change her past, but she can reclaim her emotional health for the best possible version of her future. She wouldn’t do so while I was with her, but I intensely hope she eventually does. Emotional and physical health, happiness, contentment, these things don’t happen accidentally, but they can be attained with determination and honesty. Little by little, person by person, we can each discover what these concepts mean in our lives, and build a better world in the process.
Thanks for reading! This blog works in tandem with my YouTube channel of the same name. Feel free to check it out if you enjoy my content here. Come back often for regular updates, and see you next time...
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