The Importance Of Being Honest With Yourself

Over three years ago now, I reconnected with an old friend of mine I hadn’t seen in almost a decade. We hit it off instantly, exactly as we had when we were younger. We had overlapping groups of friends, as we found out, and began purposely organizing parties and outings around this fact. She and I began meeting up to grab coffee or lunch every two to three weeks, and it was easy to keep platonic because both of us were in happy relationships dating other people.

A few months into our rekindled friendship, I broke up with my then-girlfriend, but my friend and I were still really getting along well and enjoying each other’s company. We began drinking more together; every so often it was just the two of us. And, things became slightly more complicated.

One night, while her boyfriend was out of town on a job, she and I decided to have a board game night and just hang out. Then, we discovered we had access to a full handle of Fireball whiskey. Next thing you know, I wake up naked next to her, sun obnoxiously bright in my hungover eyes as I piece together a scene of pillows and blankets strewn across the room.

After slightly freaking out about the fact I’d left hickies on her neck, my friend informed me she loved her boyfriend, the night before was a mistake and we should just move on as if nothing had happened. I agreed, she left in a hurry, and we left it there. At least, we left it there for a while.

A few months go by and everything is going well. We’d still hangout with the same friends, meet every so often to catch up, and hit up a bar or party with the crew on the weekends. It was a damn good time, but cracks in our plan began to show. My friend started to confide in me some of the problems she was having with her boyfriend, and telling me about fights they were having with increasing regularity. She began turning towards me when things went wrong in her life, and as one with just the slightest hint of a hero complex, I obliged her.

Friends began making jokes about how I should, “just finish stealing her already,” and her boyfriend began to ever-so-slightly ostracize me from events they hosted or organized. This irritated me, and I flatly denied any interest in her or desire to break up the relationship. Yet, this wasn’t entirely true. Even while I attempted to deceive myself and others, I was falling for her, harder than I’d ever expected. I found her dynamic and captivating, and I’m definitely one to want what I can’t have. This proved dangerous for us both.

Towards the beginning of the summer, once again while her boyfriend was out of town for work, my friend and I decided to go on a day trip to Yosemite. We had a blast, and found our way to getting some alcohol on the way up, making it even better. After a long day I convinced her to just crash at my place, and we found some more alcohol. I feel like I don’t even need to explain what else happened that night.

The next morning, however, neither of us freaked out or said it was a mistake. She didn’t hurriedly cover up hickies with makeup and leave, or even tell me she still loved her boyfriend. She stretched and woke up lazily, rolled over to face me, wrapped her arms around my neck, and softly met her lips to mine. I smiled and kissed her back, but in that moment it really hit me exactly what I was doing, what I had done, and how I was becoming the very man I always told myself I wouldn’t be.

In less than a month, and after some notable drama, my friend and her boyfriend had broken up, and she came to live with my family and I for a few months. I lost several friends in the ordeal, and it created some issues with others which linger to this day. To top it all off, my friend and I never even dated. We both acknowledged we had feelings for each other, but I was not interested in being a rebound, and she was sleeping with other men within three weeks of moving in with my family. So while I intended to give her time to work through things, in her mind she was trying to goad me into making a move, which I didn’t even know about until much later.

We got into a number of arguments over those months, and it became increasingly clear we really weren’t good for each other. We knew how to have fun together, but most of our interactions were based on our chemistry and attraction, often while under the influence anyways, and little else. In the end, neither of us got what we wanted, and by the time she moved out, we were no longer overly close. Just like that, everything which felt so intense; so real and almost destined, fell apart before our eyes. We picked up what remained of our friendship and continued on for a while, but we were both quickly in relationships with other people.

We slowly drifted apart over the next year or so, and after one final argument, I ended things entirely. With one conversation, I disconnected myself from a woman I had once tried so hard to keep in my life, and gone so far out of my way to remain close to. I had considered her one of my close friends, yet in the end I only wanted it to be over. And I didn’t regret my decision to end things at all. I felt free, and still do.

There are a number of points I hope you can take from this story. First of all, don’t be that asshole that gets between people in relationships. Don’t use friends and social events to implement this ‘getting between’ your object of affection and their significant other, and fully realize the terrible potential of alcohol in the hands of a handsome madman. Most of all, though, be real with yourself. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, where you’re at and what’s important to you. Be frank with yourself about how much various people mean to you, feelings you may have for them, and what you’re willing to lose and risk to get what you want. Be real with yourself about who you want to be, and do your best to not sink below your own standards.

I don’t regret rekindling the friendship, or developing feelings for her, nor ending the friendship years later. Yet, I would change a number of the decisions I made in between, choices which hurt other people, and I can’t take them back. So, if there’s one thing you get out of this: avoid actions which compromise who you want to be, your ideal self, to the best of your ability, and you will be well on your way towards living your best life.

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