How To President Like Trump!

Our Commander In Chief has certainly not slowed down since taking up residence in the White House, and he brought a lovely bag of tricks with him to help him achieve his goals, to various degrees of success. Here’s how, once you’ve followed his formula to nab the Presidency, you can really maximize your demagogue President-ing skills.

Use Twitter, or some other social media, and attack people and organizations on the thinnest of grounds. The point is to keep the national conversation on what you want it to be, regardless of how controversial or pedantic. When people disagree with or berate you, hit back even harder. Never back down or admit you were wrong. Confidence is key.

Understand your audience. Trump knows his constituency tends to distrust government and the media, so anytime something goes wrong, or at least doesn’t go your way, attack these common enemies. Always deflect, blaming other members of government, even in your own party, and never take the heat for things that go sideways. Openly disagree with members of your own cabinet, and don’t hesitate to fire people that really get under your skin or cause problems for you.

Keep it simple. Call any negative media coverage or reports that emerge “fake news” and constantly drive that point home. Say over and over how mistreated and unfairly targeted you are, how dishonest the media is, and then tell the people you’re giving them the truth through your social media feed. Constantly talk of how much you’re doing, how successful you are at President-ing, and how great America is becoming because you’re in office, regardless of facts. What matters here is image.

Stay relevant, and keep using fear tactics and various calls of patriotism to rally your base around you. Try trash talking China before changing tune and focusing on North Korea. Use every terrorist act possible to rile up your base against immigration and in favor of greater national security, which may well translate into a harsher travel ban. Threaten military action for nearly any perceived foreign threat, and keep up a toxic hyper-masculine machismo. Never let up on these points regardless of rationality or facts, these just get in the way.

Also, as a little bonus, stay away from mother-fucking Russia. It really just tends to complicate things…

So, now that you’re armed to the teeth with effective tips and strategies for rallying your mis-informed base and getting yourself elected President, best of luck manipulating the masses for the next four to eight years. Because, fuck honesty, and general human decency.

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